Loss hurts and grief is the toughest pain we have to deal with. We must choose grief voluntarily; it is something we enter into, not something that is done to us. Everyone experiences loss. That is why God calls us to enter into it voluntarily. It heals. It restores. It changes things that have gone bad.
If we don't grieve our losses we end up hopeless, fearful, and stuck (spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically).
How does that happen and why? Grief is God's way of helping us process the pain in life. It becomes the process by which we become available for new, good things. Like forgiveness, God uses forgiveness to help us experience the joy of new relationships, so that we're not stuck in the past. Friends, there is a process to grieving our losses and I'll give you a quick run through on what that looks like and where we can get stuck. Please remember that grieving is a process and there is not a specific timeline for each season. Here is a list from Dr. Henry Cloud on the stages of grief.
1. The loss (reality) For grief to occur something bad has to happen. Jesus told us that we would have troubles (John 16:33). Here are a few examples.
Death of a loved one. Death of a dream. Death of a season of life. Death of a relationship. Death of a plan. Failure. Rejection. Loss of health. Financial issues.
2. Protest (I don't want this to be true) Many people fight, flight, or freeze to protest reality and deal with pain, instead of entering into a season of grief. Freezing (appeasing) is so common. It's similar to losing hope and blaming God for not "showing up."
3. Despair (This could be depression or giving in) When protest and bargaining don't work, we begin to realize that what has happened is true. That life will never be the same. This is the beginning of grief; it is the point of embracing the loss.
4. Sadness, Loss, and Grief Proper (Letting Go and Saying Good-bye) When we hit bottom, when we realize that this really is true; we "lose it." We break. We cry. The sadness is the letting go of the reality. It is saying good-bye to what can never be. But it is the beginning of true healing as well.
5. Resolution and Resurrection (Understanding and Becoming Available) The sadness does go away. We bring the learning and understanding and experience with us. Whether good or bad, what was lost was an experience, and from it we take understanding and wisdom for the rest of life. The process is complete, the person has grown, and the past is now the past and it is not affecting the present, except in greater wisdom or the pleasant memories of a loved that has passed on. The death experience has given way to the resurrection of a new life. The person grieving. God also takes us through experiences so that we can be there for others who are just entering a season of grief, pain, and loss.
Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”
Here is good counsel from Michael Dye (The Genesis Process)
There are two ways to resolve loss: grieving and forgiving. It is important to engage a trusted counselor.
….Don’t be surprised if racing thoughts, pictures, or feelings from old memories flashback in your mind. You will be tempted to deal with this stress/loss/pain by unhealthy coping behaviors. Don’t do it! It’s important at this point that you act upon what you know rather than what you feel. Call your counselor and talk about your feelings. Trust God and reach out to others for support.
It is difficult to look at your pain and loss, because you fear a river of tears will flow from a mountain of grief, or that once you undam that river, you might never be able to stop it. The process of grieving is a cycle. Grief will not kill you, it just feels like it. To normalize your feelings, read The Grief Stages (Kubler-Ross) listed below, starting with shock and denial, and ending with acceptance:
STAGES OF GRIEF
1. Shock/Denial – Numbing out, blanking out, avoiding thinking about “it”
2. Anger – Blaming someone or something, feeling injustice, and rage
3. Bargaining – Thinking “If I’d only….” And dealing with guilt, vain regrets of the past, and fear of the future.
4. Depression – Feeling hopeless, helpless, disappointed, isolated, and lonely. Inability to enjoy anything.
5. Acceptance – Embracing reality, forgiving and moving forward, forming new relationships while trusting God. (Hardest Part of Health and Wholeness)
Unresolved guilt and grief may cause you to feel shame, which you need to talk about with a counselor. Losses need to be grieved to be resolved.
